


Scars

by Rennajade



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, becissar - Freeform, becommissar, self harm tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-03 18:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4109962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rennajade/pseuds/Rennajade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As it turns out, even though Luisa oozes sex appeal, she actually hasn't been with many people. There's a reason for that. </p>
<p>Trigger warning for self harm mention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Beca watched intently as Das Machine practiced their next routine. They had been called to perform at some large event, and the tiny brunette had hardly seen her girlfriend as they went through final modifications to the routine. Every time they ran through it, Pieter and Luisa would speak softly to each other for a moment, then give their notes to the rest of the group and run it again. A few times, Luisa stepped out to observe and tweak various things or give someone one-on-one interaction.

The younger girl couldn’t help but envy her a little. Luisa carries herself with the air of royalty, and that was what originally attracted Beca. She and Jesse had been drifting slowly apart, and he was leaving anyway after college, so they had agreed that is was best to be friends and nothing more. A month later, she ran into the Kommissar at an a capella gathering, and the two of them hit it off.

As Beca watched the blonde goddess dance, she found her eyes glued to the German’s body. Without choreography and practice, Luisa’s dancing turned her into the biggest dork Beca had ever seen… but now, choreographed, synchronized, resolute, she oozed sex appeal.

Which was why it surprised her when Luisa told her a month later that she had been with surprisingly few people. Two, in fact – a girlfriend when she was seventeen, and a fling on tour two years ago after she had a little too much alcohol. The confession had come about as they talked about girls and Beca teased the blonde for being a lady-killer, and Luisa quickly corrected her assumption.

She didn’t find out _why_ Luisa had so few lovers in her life for another two months. She had assumed that it was simply lack of interest or time, and after finding out the real reason, she wished that was all it had been.

Luisa had gone through an especially rigorous month, and Beca knew it was starting to wear on her. Everything had to be perfect for their performance at Nationals, and she had hardly been home to see Beca. When she _was_ home, she was on her laptop, listening to arrangements and watching choreography, papers and music sheets spread out on every nearby surface. She was running herself ragged, and when Beca came home to find her asleep at the keyboard, she decided enough was enough. She closed the laptop and moved it, cleared all the papers away and put them in a stack, and crawled into bed with the blonde, wrapping herself around her girlfriend as best she could.

Luisa slept for less than a hour before she woke up and tried to extricate herself from the tiny brunette’s embrace. Beca woke groggily and grumbled into her back.

“No, stay,” she murmured, pressing an affectionate kiss to the woman’s shoulder.

The German sighed and turned to face Beca. “I don’t have time for too much sleep, _Mäuschen_ ,” she replied. We have little time before Nationals; a month is not long.”

The brunette stared blearily at her. “Okay but,” she started, kissing the German’s nose. “You need sleep. This is the third time I’ve come home to you crashed out on the laptop. Take a break.” She moved to straddle her girlfriend’s hips, and Luisa stared curiously up at her. “And if it’s a sleep problem,” she murmured, leaning down to catch her lips. “We can fix _that_ , too.”

Hands found her hips, running up her back to finally cup her neck, and Luisa bit the younger woman’s lip. “I think I’d like that, _Maus_.” Her breath ghosted across Beca’s lips, and she couldn’t help the tiny shiver that ran down her spine. Teeth nipped at the blonde’s neck, steadily moving lower until Beca bit and then lightly sucked at the base of her neck. Blue eyes fluttered shut and Luisa sighed contentedly, breath hitching as small hands found their way under her shirt to touch the skin beneath.

Beca grumbled in annoyance at exactly how toned her girlfriend was. “How are you so ripped? Not fair,” she whined, biting the skin at her girlfriend’s neck again. “You’re like, sculpted by angels or something.

Luisa shook her head. “ _Nein_ ,” she breathed. “That is you, _liebling_. Though I appreciate the compliments.” The toothy grin she flashed at Beca melted her heart.

Her hands traveled further up into the blonde’s shirt to rest at her breasts, and her girlfriend’s breath caught in her throat. “Can’t help it,” Beca murmured, ghosting her fingertips over the sensitive peaks to draw a gasp from the goddess under her. “You’re just so…” With some skillful maneuvering and help in the form of Luisa lifting her front up a little, Beca worked the shirt off of her and tossed on the floor.

Her teeth sunk into her lower lip as she let herself look at the incredible woman beneath her. She knew Luisa as the strong and fearless leader of Das Sound Machine, the Kommissar, and most of the time, that’s who she was. But here, in this room, Luisa looked so fragile and vulnerable. Her eyes scanned Beca’s face, the hints of a worried frown hanging at her lips, brows furrowed gently in concern. She was absolutely beautiful.

Beca’s hands came to rest at either side of golden hair, and she leaned forward again to look into Luisa’s eyes, kissing her jaw. She left her former compliment unfinished, opting to keep her mouth occupied by kissing her way down the blonde’s body, leaving tiny marks as she went, pressing her lips gently into the skin at Luisa’s chest, sides, and stomach before she bit into the skin there, marveling at the way the older woman, usually so composed, fell apart under her touch.

Her fingertips slipped just under the waist of Luisa’s pajama shorts, and the woman jerked away from her, propping herself up on her elbows to watch the brunette. She looked like she wanted to say something, but simply couldn’t find the words for what she needed to say.

Beca stilled her hands and sat back. “You okay?” she asked softly, watching as her blonde goddess chewed her lip uncertainly, eyes darting around the room, looking anywhere but at her girlfriend. The tiny Bella reached out and laced her fingers through Luisa’s. “Hey… look at me.” Blue eyes lifted slightly, gaze shadowed by lashes, and the tiny brunette had to pause a moment. Her usually strong, confident, almost cocky blonde lover looked so fragile and uncertain that she was nearly another person. “We don’t have to.”

Luisa swallowed and said nothing. Her thumb stroked the top of Beca’s hand as she thought, and finally let out a breath and raised her gaze to the younger girl’s, giving her a nearly imperceptible nod of encouragement.

Beca hesitated. “You’re sure?” When the blonde nodded again, she leaned down to press a kiss to the woman’s stomach. “Alright.” Another kiss, this one a little lower. “But tell me if you want me to quit, okay?”

She went slower. Every motion gave Luisa time to push her away before she followed through with it, until the German groaned and swore at her in a language Beca didn’t recognize for going too slowly. She made quick work of the taller woman’s shorts, fingertips running along her thighs, and suddenly understood why Luisa had twitched away from her. Under her touch, she could feel the crisscross texture left behind by what must have been years of abuse to herself. Scars, easily felt scars, in lines across her legs. They were old, and healed now, but still there and clearly had started as terrible wounds.

She wanted to ask, but she wouldn’t pry. Her girlfriend would tell her whenever she was ready, and Beca would be willing to listen and perhaps offer some comfort. For now she pressed a kiss to each of Luisa’s scarred thighs, and left the topic alone as she continued on to touch the woman she wanted so badly to feel loved.

Luisa came undone under her touch. The mighty Kommissar, writhing and begging and pleading in broken English beneath her. When Luisa came, she came hard, and Beca watched in rapt amazement as her back arched and her head drove downward into the pillow, and she screamed Beca’s name to the sky. It was a hell of a sight.

She dropped back onto the bed, spent and panting, and looked down at her tiny _Maus_ , who grinned and seductively licked her fingers clean. Luisa rolled her eyes at the action and gestured silently for the brunette to cuddle with her, wrapping an arm around her back and tugging her as close as she could. Beca fit so perfectly into her arms, and it was such a wonderful feeling.

“ _Danke_ ,” she murmured, burying her nose in the dark curls at the top of her girlfriend’s head.

The smaller woman moved to give her a quick peck on the lips before snuggling further into the embrace.

When she woke up at a quarter to noon the next day, she was especially pleased to find Luisa still sound asleep beside her.


	2. Marks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luisa tells Beca what triggered the marks on her thighs and is a little terrified that her Maus will vanish.

It took another month for Luisa to open up again.

She had stopped flinching whenever Beca touched her thighs, and the doubt had left her eyes whenever her tiny brunette wanted to make love. Initially it had taken some coaxing for her to touch Beca without being terrified of breaking the smaller woman, but after watching the Bella fall apart and become an incoherent, quivering mess in her arms, that doubt vanished as well.

It was early in the morning when she decided to explain the scars to her little _maus_. It had been years since she opened herself up so completely to any person – Pieter was the only one to know her this well, and that was mostly because he had seen her through it. The rest of Das Sound Machine had, at one point or another, seen the scars. Most just formed their own assumptions about where they came from. A few approached Luisa to ask if she was alright now. But Pieter was the only one who knew the extent of the pain she suffered. The scars? Those were only a byproduct.

She waited for Beca to wake up on her own. She had been up all night working on new arrangements for the Bellas as well as her own music with Emily’s vocals, and Luisa wasn’t about to interrupt her rest. Since the night Beca forced her to actually sleep, they had taken turns making sure the other didn’t work herself to death. Sometimes that involved further exhausting each other to the point of crashing; most of the time it involved shutting down someone’s laptop or taking away somebody’s sheet music and paperwork.

The blonde carefully extracted herself from her little brunette’s deceptively strong grip, and went to turn on the coffee pot and make breakfast. When Beca stumbled out into the kitchen an hour later, she found Luisa seated at the table, one hand on her mug and the other flipping through a magazine.

_Must be looking at outfits again_. For the past couple of weeks, her German had flipped through every show-choir, musical theatre, and performance catalogue she could find, hell-bent on ordering better, sleeker uniforms for Das Sound Machine. She’d take a picture and Snapchat whatever she found to Pieter, and usually his replies bordered on disgust and horror at what the great Kommissar wanted them to wear.

“’Morning,” she murmured, going to kiss the blonde’s cheek. Luisa smiled and caught her girlfriend’s hand in time to press a kiss to her palm.

“’Morning, yourself.” She set the catalogue aside and stood to pull Beca closer to her, pressing another kiss to her forehead before she moved toward the kitchen to reheat the plates of breakfast she had fixed earlier. “How is the album coming?”

She heard a thump and assumed that her girlfriend had flopped into a chair. “Good.” She could hear the yawn in Beca’s answer, and the tiny detail curved her lips upward in an affectionate smile. “Is that really the time?”

“ _Ja._ You needed rest, _Liebling._ You’ve been working yourself to death again.” She crossed to the table to set a cup of hot coffee before Beca, who gratefully took it in both hands and sipped at it. “If I cannot stay up until morning planning arrangements, neither can you.”

The tiny Bella grinned at her. “How’d I end up with you?” she mused, watching the taller woman as she returned to the kitchen to retrieve the now-heated plates. “Seriously, did you just get dropped off by angels or something one day? Not cool. Makes the mortals look bad.”

A smirk came back to her. “ _Maus_ , if anyone here is the angel, it is you.” She handed the plate off to Beca, set her own down, and sat facing the younger woman. She didn’t say another word for the first few bites the American took, then she took a sip of coffee and pushed it away from her. Reaching across the table, she took the younger girl’s hand in hers and massaged her thumb lightly.

Beca paused and turned toward her. “Alright, you have that weird serious-not-terrifying look you get when you’re thinking. Spill.”

The blonde smiled at the figure of speech and blunt tone the tiny brunette took with her before the serious mask returned to her face. For a moment, she considered backing out, but quickly decided it would be easiest just to jump in. “I wanted to talk about the… um, the scars.”

Her girlfriend pushed the plate away and turned to face her, leaning forward a bit. “You don’t _have_ to tell me, you know that, right? I’m all ears if you want to—”

“I want to.” Luisa gave her a weak smile. “I want you to know all of me… and that includes the unpleasant parts.” Part of her wanted to get up and run, but the dominant part of her kept her seated by reminding her that _Beca is safe_. The brunette wasn’t going to run away. She wasn’t going to glare in disgust. She wasn’t going to shun Luisa.

Or, at least, the German hoped she wouldn’t.

She took a breath and started. “I grew up in a very strict house. My parents, they did not accept mediocre. I am an only child and they directed all of their desires onto me. They wanted me to be good at everything; my father is a scientist, my mother is a _Chirurg_ , a… what do you call them? Surgeon. My mother is a surgeon. Both have respect in their work and make lots of money. They wanted that for me, but they wanted me to be good at _everything._ I went to boarding school at five and during summer, I learned self defense, music, any sport they felt necessary, piano, ballet, dance, advanced math and sciences. I was ahead of nearly everyone in my grade and I _hated_ it. I wanted to sing and do music; it was my passion.” She smiled a little at Beca, her tiny music producer-in-the-making. “They did not agree. _Mama_ took me out of my voice lessons, _Vater_ pulled me from the rest of my music and dance. I started to take them in secret, against their will, and they found out. The first time _Vater_ destroyed the piano I had saved up for three years to buy. I quit everything except school and tried to fix what I had done.”

Beca lifted her girlfriend’s hand to press a kiss to her palm, and the blonde flashed a brief smile before continuing.

“When I was thirteen, I met a girl, Ava. My parents are… not accepting. They are very conservative and do not like anything off the ordinary. We dated in secret for a few months over summer, until they caught us. I don’t remember all of what happened. They sent Ava away, I remember yelling and being hit, but I do not remember everything. When I woke up it was night.”

Luisa paused, letting it sink in and gathering her thoughts enough to keep speaking. She had never explained it out loud, and Beca, her perfect _kleine Maus_ was being a perfect listener. She had expected it to be easier than this, especially after seven years of being away from them, but nothing had vanished. The emotions rushed back at her tenfold, and it felt as though a wave of anguish had crashed over her.

She took a sip of coffee. “I was the disappointment. Their problem. I.. started to hurt myself as punishment, to emphasize what I did wrong and pray that it was strong enough punishment. But it backfired and I began to use it to cope, and the wounds got worse.” She swallowed, and her voice softened. “I thought, maybe if I can punish myself and make it hurt badly enough, I’ll get better.”

There were no tears; Luisa rarely cried. But Beca could see her breaking and stood up, holding her hand out to the much taller woman. “Come on, we’re gonna go get ice cream.”

Confused blue eyes watched her. “But…?”

The Bella moved behind the blonde to wrap her arms around her neck, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I don’t want you to overdo it. I love you too much to let you overwhelm yourself. You need a break,” she explained. “And some ice cream. Come on, you can’t resist chocolate.”

The Kommissar smiled and leaned her head against the brunette’s neck. “ _Danke_ ,” she murmured. “You know me well.”

“I better, after six months.”

“Already?”

“Right? It’s kind of crazy. And here I couldn’t stand you at first.”

She felt and heard the snort in reply. “Please. You could hardly keep your pants on.”

A noise of faked offense came back, and Beca stood in front of the blonde with crossed arms. “That was not my fault. You put a spell on me!”

As she stood, Luisa cupped the brunette’s face in her hands, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. “And verse-vica.”

Beca grinned. “Vice-versa, you Moose.”

“What would I do without you to correct my English every few words?” she asked in amusement. “I would not know half the phrases I do. Such a helpful little _Maus_.” The glare she received just caused her to return a blinding smile, and Beca groaned.

“Not faaaair. You can’t just blind me with your gorgeous face to get out of an argument.”

It was mid-afternoon by the time they returned home, a container of ice cream –moose tracks, at Beca’s insistence—in hand. The tiny brunette scooped out two bowls of it, brewed some coffee, and browsed for a movie before settling on something she didn’t recognize that was just starting. Luisa had already flung herself down on the couch while the smaller woman bustled around the kitchen before coming to join her, and pulled Beca to sit between her legs.

The tiny brunette passed her a bowl and she murmured, “Thanks,” before taking a bite. For a few moments they remained silent, then Luisa broke it. “I do want you to know the full story, you know.”

“You wanna get the rest of it out now and then watch cheesy rom-coms?” Beca offered. She had Jesse to thank for her interest in movies, and it proved a blessing on more than one occasion.

Her human pillow shifted to set the bowl on the coffee table before wrapping her arms around Beca’s waist to pull her closer. The weight of the smaller woman’s head against her shoulder was comforting, and she nuzzled her nose into Beca’s hair.

“After my parents sent Ava away, they left me at the school for summers. They tried conversion therapy once. While I was away, I tried to cut away my imperfections and flaws. My thighs were the part of my body least seen, so I used that as my canvas… it was not good. I met Pieter at boarding school; he was a rival school, a boys-school, nearby and part of an a cappella group. We tried to go out a few times, but it was no good. We got very drunk one night, and played ah… what do you call it? It is like Poker but with nudity.”

“Strip Poker?” Beca offered. “Chloe’s a boss at it.”

“ _Ja_. I lost miserably. Every article of clothing on my top half, but refused to take off the bottoms. I did not want the judgment. It’s not pleasant. Pieter understood something was wrong and pulled me to the side to ask about it. I was drunk enough to spill the peas, and he promised to adopt me as his sister.” She smiled halfheartedly. “My parents were glad to be rid of me. Pieter’s were thrilled to have another daughter, after having five sons.”

Beca blinked. “So much masculinity in one house…”

The blonde laughed. “Yes, very much. They are all like brothers to me but Pieter is my best friend as well. Pieter’s parents asked me to tell them whenever something was wrong. When I told them about the way I felt, they made therapist appointments and drove me to each one. I was lucky.” She paused, hesitating, and kissed Beca’s cheek. “I did not… The scars do not heal easily. These,” she gestured vaguely to her legs. “Are at least ten years old, but still they are obvious and raised and noticeable. I’ve had few lovers because I did not want them to see me this way and judge me for weakness. I did not want to see the pity in their eyes.” She swallowed and looked down to find blue eyes staring up at her. “The last girl I was with, she asked so many questions. Too many. I could see the pity in her eyes and I did not want it. She gasped and could hardly look at me once my clothes were off, and I could not stand it.”

The thought of anyone being unable to look past the scars to see the soul of the goddess she called her girlfriend was unfathomable. The fact that it had hurt Luisa so deeply just made it worse. Beca sighed and moved so that she straddled the German’s hips, pressing a kiss to her lips before pulling back and resting her forehead against her girlfriend’s.

“Listen to me,” she murmured. “You’re incredible. The girl who couldn’t see that is a fucking idiot. You are an amazing, strong, gorgeous woman and I’m so proud of you, okay? Plus you’re literally sculpted by gods so I have noo idea how anyone could _not_ see that.” The quip brought a small smile to the blonde’s lips. “Seriously… Luisa, they don’t define you. They’re part of you, but they aren’t _you_. God, I sound like a pamphlet… ugh. But you get what I mean, right?”

Luisa laughed and pulled her closer. “ _Ja_ , I think. _Danke_. You mean so much to me, I didn’t want you to…” Her voice faded, and she bit her lip.

A thumb stroked her cheek, and Beca tilted her head upward to look in the blonde’s blue eyes. “Hey.” Her voice was soft, and Luisa watched her through thick eyelashes. “I’m not going anywhere.” She pressed her lips the German’s forehead. “I love you.”

Luisa nodded. “ _Ich liebe dich auch, meine kleine Maus_.” They sat in comfortable silence, enjoying the other’s presence, before she spoke again. “Tiny _Maus_ , I believe we have missed the movie.”

Beca glanced at the TV, shrugged, and snuggled into the couch with Luisa. “Oh well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liebling - darling  
> Vater - Father  
> Danke - Thank you  
> Ich liebe dich auch, meine kleine Maus - I love you too, my tiny Mouse
> 
> Idk what happened with this but I wanted to add on to Scars. Feel free to disregard it if you like Chapter 1 by itself better. 
> 
> (seriously i have no clue what happened and idk if i actually like this??? oh well)

**Author's Note:**

> Mäuschen - little mouse  
> Liebling - darling  
> Danke - Thank you
> 
> There's a high likelihood this is getting another part. c:


End file.
